Oh F*ck

Every time I get so mad or sad, I speak about it. However, I have this problem of not listening to anyone and not consider their point of view. Yeah I know, that’s a bad trait that I have.

Well, actually I do. It’s just that I feel a lot more miserable about myself because I get into an argument where I will lose and I lose reason to what I was trying to fight for. Or perhaps I am just born with any skills on how to argue with people. Most of the time I would rant and then I shut up in the corner and try not to talk about what makes me feel bad, cause I know losing in an argument will make me feel bad about myself. Yes. I am a coward. How miserable.

The point is, this is the reason why I keep holding grudges inside me. I do my best to forget things. But when something really bad comes out, everything else that was hidden inside would consume my thoughts and turn me into a depressed, sad person. It’s like a black hole was triggered to swallow the entirety of all of my motivation and happiness and everything suddenly seems meaningless.

Here’s the thing why I am being like this.

I feel like no one will ever understand.

I’m experiencing so much trouble lately. Home. Academics. Friends. People think I am okay, well, because that’s how I want them to think, maybe because I grew up with this kind of perspective about personal troubles, it’s your business, not theirs, so you’re the one who have to deal with it.

It was sad though.

At home, it’s sad.I’m the only one in my age group in m family. The shortest age gap would be 8 years. There, I can’t talk to anybody. Besides, people at home have more bigger problems to think about. i don’t want to add another for them. That’s enough. I said my problem is my problem.

Friends. Well, I don’t know. I feel like I’m there but I’m really not. I just don’t know how I can be so physically close to people but feel so distant at the same time. I always feel alone. Even though I know I am loved by my other, even including those who are reall special to me, i end up being in a black hole of sadness. No light. Just darkness.

Academics. It’s like everyday I try to make the best out of me in the field that I have chosen. However, I never become the best self that I had imagined, or perhaps my standards were quite high, or perhaps I’m just no trying, or perhaps I’m just not good enough.

Everyday I try really hard. But I feel nothing. I try to do this, they say that’s okay. I propose to do that, they say that’s impossible to do. It’s like everything I do is wrong. I am always wrong. I never get it right.

Is it a skill to be just wrong about everything?

And then I found something that interests me and makes me happy to do. Something that I wouldn’t care about other’s opinion, because I was always satisfied with what I did. Alas, it was something that I could pour my heart into regardless of what other people say.

But then something causes it to diminish. No. You can’t do that. You’re not allowed to enjoy what you do. You have to do these boring, sad things in your life and continue to be that sad person who’s always wrong.

I really really really feel like giving up. I can’t do anything fun.